I’ll let you in on a little secret.
If you are a lady with plus-size calves (which, really, is anything larger than a toothpick, according to shoe designers), GOOD LUCK finding cute tall boots that fit over leggings and jeans.
My search lasted approximately three years. No, I’m not kidding. Sure, I’m obsessed with shoes — but a good pair of tall boots are indispensable during the colder months! They dress up or down and, if properly cared for, can last years.
Imagine my jubilation when finally — FINALLY — I found a pair. My excitement couldn’t be contained with a mere exclamation, or even an impromptu strut around my loft.
Instead, I decided to channel my joy into a song — or, rather, a rap. Inspired by Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s posterior poetry, “Baby Got Back,” I give you: “Baby Got Boots.”
I love tall boots and I cannot lie
My fellow wide calves can’t deny
That when a girl walks by with itty bitty boots and thin legs in your face you get
PISSED wanna pull out your tough
cause you notice those boots are stuffed
long skinny jeans she’s wearin’
I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin
But baby I don’t wanna get with ya
Just ’cause my calves are big-ga
My girlfriends tried to warn me
That those boots you got they don’t fit my body
Oooh but I found some
You say you wanna know where I got them
They fit me, fit me, ’cause they ain’t your average boot-ies
Now I’ll be prancin’
And even dancin’
They’re black and tall
And you can’t get them at the mall
I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ tall skinny boots are the thing
Take the average woman and ask her that
And you gonna get smacked
You wanna buy tall boots too?
Well get online
Search ’em out
And even skinny girls gotta shout
Baby got boots!